I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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