I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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