There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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