i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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