Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We got so high we made milksteak
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
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I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
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Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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