My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
