and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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