So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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