You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
