Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
