Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
only you would photoshop your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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