I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
