she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All the doctor said was why
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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