"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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