why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
