I accidentally burped into my bong.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
