i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
