I should be sponsored by Trojan
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He did a backflip because drugs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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