I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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