Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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