Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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