Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
