i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
