Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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