foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
