I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
