update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
