he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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