btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
