Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Randomize
