Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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