My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
