you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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