is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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