I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
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He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
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I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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