i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
