my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
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'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
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What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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