I accidentally burped into my bong.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
