You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
