she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You made out with two different species that night
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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