is your mom at the bar?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
