she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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