This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
