I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Im part way to drunk.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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