Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
