if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
tonight lets celebrate not being married
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
