Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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