you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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