New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
