I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
