i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
