It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so let's talk penis.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
