So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
