what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
