i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
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Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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