remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
