Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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